She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
