I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
