oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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