a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
wow bdsm is so cute
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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