My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
