apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
