oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
