I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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