I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
