Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
