I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
