I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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