A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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