my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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