Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
