I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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