Tell her she can't have a vagina
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
