I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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