I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
