My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
