All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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