I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
