My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
