I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
