In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
