Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
