I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
