I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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