We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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