Tell her she can't have a vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
