I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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