Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize