Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
