Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
