He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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