he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
