Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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