Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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