you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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