Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
