Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
