please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
