i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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