I met the friendliest cop last night
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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