I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
