I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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