I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
