he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
