There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
