Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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