These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
