I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
