i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
